Parents are very valuable to their children, and likewise, children are very valuable to their parents. The parent-child bond is perhaps the strongest bond an individual may experience in their lifetime, depending on how both have cultivated their relationship in the early years.
Every person comes to this world and is then entangled in relationships. Some which they are born with, some which they choose to tie themselves to. The one relationship everyone is born with, the one relationship that is necessary for them to be born in the first place is, the one they share with their parents. We are indebted to them with our lives, if they love us and raise us, they are essentially the reason we exist. And this is a debt we try to honour, as we can never repay it, for as long as we live.
Our other family members, too, are relationships we are born with and in most cases don’t have much choice in. But family is what you make of it, and quite like other relationships in our life as well, what we put into these relationships is what we get in return as well. Family members in this case could mean your siblings if you have lived in a nuclear family structure. If you were raised in a joint family system, where you had multiple members of your extended family on either side live with you, this could refer to that as well. Having family around is good, you have many people to guide you instead of one or two. You are likely raised with many different contrasting or aligning ideologies, which may help you develop a broader outlook in general, and you may find yourself approaching things in life from multiple angles to make sure you’ve covered all ground. It is also sweet when you have different dynamics with all the different members, it makes you a more lively person. Being helpful towards them is also important, as they are your well-wishers too.
The best way to show gratitude is to be kind, polite and helpful towards the person we want to express our gratitude to. So here are a few ways you can be helpful to your parents and family members-
A positive attitude toward your parents goes a long way.
Only when you have a positive (or at least somewhat positive) attitude towards your parents, will you be able to be helpful towards them. Humans are afflicted with the need to do things only if it gives them something in return, or makes sense in their head. There is not much we can take from our parents that they have not already given to us, or more than what they are willing to give. So we should be helpful to them in return because it makes sense. And it will only make sense if you feel positive about them and if you genuinely do feel grateful for everything they have done. No parent-child relationship is blemish-free. Especially when we are struggling with becoming an adult and figuring out ‘life’, we may sometimes feel like we don’t have enough support from them or that they do not (or do not want to) understand us, which may be based on reality or an overworking angsty brain. Don’t worry, it is all a part of growing pains, and it is fine as long as we realise that they still want the best for us even if they may sometimes be mistaken in what that is. But once maturity sets in we realise that they are not against us, they are on our team. And once you have this positive attitude towards them, being helpful will come naturally to you. You have grown up around them, it will be very easy for you to identify when they need help and anticipate it to be ready to help.
Help with the little tasks around the house.
If you have an Indian mom, you have surely heard her complain about nobody helping her out, and that it isn’t her house alone. This is true if you think about it, she has a point. Our parents are often overworked, and everyone deserves support from their family and rest. So why not take up small tasks around the house that you can help with and share the responsibility. Bring a glass of water when they return from outside, help set up the table before meals, water the plants (if you have any!), take out the garbage, help with prepping food and cooking. These are small actions, but your parents will deeply appreciate the gesture.
Help your younger siblings and cousins with things they might find hard.
This serves two purposes. You help your cousins, sure. But you also help your parents or aunts and uncles who the responsibility would have otherwise fallen onto. And you also get time to spend time with your siblings and cousins. While they may seem annoying at times, and we may seem too intimidating to them if we are older, there are very few bonds that can match one shared between siblings and cousins. Be a friend and guide to those younger than you, you have been there too and you know things can be confusing at times. Help them figure out the messes they may find themselves in, and if not then lend them a listening ear. Provide them with someone they can confide in, someone who would not judge them and is here to help them figure it out and fix it for them. Our siblings and cousins not only grow to be our biggest confidants and vice versa, but often they are the ones who can understand and relate to things you might face, being in the same ‘generation’. If a sibling or cousin happens to be in the same age range as you, they become a pillar of support in family situations. Check-in with them and keep in touch with them.
Organise events to spend time together.
The best way you can express your gratitude to your family members and parents, strengthen them and help them in doing so, is by giving opportunities to everyone to spend time together. Spending time together is an excellent way to bring the family closer, help form and grow the bonds we already share. It is also a great way to encourage communication as the sustained proximity eases the awkwardness and stiffness we may feel out of being used to being distant and respectful that usually sets in with elder family members. Open communication also helps the members understand each other better, conversing about what is happening in your life and opening about your current interests and recent goals also helps people empathise with everything that has been going on with you.
Sometimes just sharing about your day can be relieving and cathartic. This is why our culture promotes having meals together, it is a great way to spend time together and everyone eats at least a meal a day, and this provides time to talk and divulge things you may want to discuss. This can also be a good time to ask your elders for advice and guidance if you need help with something, and they are more than likely to gladly help you. Similarly, you can ask those younger than you if there is anything they need help with and if not then what have they been up to recently.
Appreciate your family and family members.
The biggest way you can help your family members is by affirming them, boosting their self-esteem that will energize them to take on every day and its challenges in their stride. Boosting their self-esteem does not mean flattering comments or compliments given for the sake of it or vain compliments, as that doesn’t really help with anything. Instead, acknowledge their efforts more than the results, as acknowledging only the results may encourage the thinking that doing something is worth it only if it ends in success or yields positive results, and that failure is the worst thing in the world or that failure leads to nothing. Acknowledging efforts encourages the process, it communicates that the journey and the efforts we put in is important, giving our best is important. It also might guide them to the revelation that failure is just as important as success, because it still gives you experience, and you know what not to do the next time.
Genuine appreciation also makes them feel valid and understood, it helps you express to them that they are important to you and you truly appreciate their presence in your life. When you acknowledge and appreciate them you also give them to confidence to be themselves, to have faith in everything that they are, and that they can do the things they want to or aspire to because somebody believes them and has their back. You help them feel secure in working towards and ultimately achieving their dreams.
Maintain optimism.
Everyone needs support. Even outside our family and friends, we need support in almost every junction of life. We need support simply as a person living in society.
But especially in a family, we need even more support. Our family consists of the people closest to us for a long time, and they are most likely the ones who have seen us, dealt with us and comforted us in our most vulnerable moments. So, their support means the world to us. And you are family to them too, which means your support means the world to them too.
This support becomes even more crucial in times of crisis. We weather a lot of circumstances as a family. Life has its ups and downs, and we as individuals do too. But there are many times where because we are humans in a context and we are a part of our family, we face these circumstances as a family. There may be events you have no control of, you may not even be directly involved, but if a family member is involved, you are involved by extension. In such situations, the best help you can provide is by being optimistic and clear-headed. Think it through and talk it through.
Crisis and problems are notorious for invoking panic, and a panicked brain is rarely helpful. And if they are directly involved in the situation, it is natural that they will find it very hard to not panic and calm down. Here is where you may need to step in and help them calm down by assessing the situation rationally and help them see not only everything that could go wrong, but also all the things that may (even if surprisingly) work out in their favour. Of course, ultimately it is their decision, but when we are facing problems we tend to spiral into negative thoughts rather than positive ones, and it can be hard to think of the positives. So help them see both sides so they can make a more balanced and informed decision. That’s the best way you can uplift them and help them in a probably stressful time.
Forgive.
People make mistakes, every one of us does, that is what makes us humans. Our family members do too, they are not infallible either. And there might be sometimes when they hurt us, and most presumably unknowingly. They care for you and would never want to hurt you intentionally. So grant them forgiveness for them and for yourself too. Help them move on from that guilt. But this comes with a ‘condition’ of sorts as well. While forgiveness is important, especially for the peace of mind of everyone involved, it is also important to know which things can be let go of and which things cannot be. Forgiveness can also be interpreted as sanctioning an action or thought on the behalf of who hurt you. We often say “it’s okay” as a way of forgiving someone, and sometimes things are not okay, there are some things you need to make sure they never do again or learn from. It is also important to remember to only forgive things you have truly made peace with; because if not you will still hold the bitterness which will eventually be detrimental to your relationship with them, which helps no one.
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- The Indiaparenting Team
